CHOOSE HAPPINESS!

To find true fulfillment, says this life coach,

learn to align your actions with your desires

By Wendy Mackowski

ost of us have always known that love of family and friends is what matters most, but our actions haven’t always reflected that knowledge.  The national tragedy that occurred on September 11 was a wake-up call for many of us as individuals: Suddenly, more and more of us are finding ourselves re-examining our lives and our priorities in regard to our work, our relationships, our lifestyles, and our beliefs. 

      We are beginning to look for deeper meaning in our lives.   But what does that mean exactly?  What makes a life more fulfilling?  Fulfillment is surely more than what our culture tells us it is—money, status, that new car, that perfect hair color or certain brand of shoes, even that fabulous job.  All good stuff, but is that all there is?

      In my work as a Personal Coach, I’ve found that there are three stages we must move through before we can learn to live a life of deep fulfillment: identifying and clarifying our core values, setting our priorities based on these values, and making conscious choices daily that are in alignment with these values.

KNOW WHAT MAKES YOU ‘VALUABLE’

      Values aren’t idealistic ideas of how you should believe or act. They aren’t just lists of ethical attributes that you hope to aspire to. They don’t always have idealistic names.  Values are  your core beliefs.  You act on your values all the time.  They are the deepest expressions of who you are.  When you are acting from a core value, you have a clear sense of being “in alignment”; you are inspired and impassioned and centered in your true authentic self. 

      Everyone has values, but most people never take the time to consciously identify them–to give them a name. The most meaningful way to begin to identify your values is to look at real situations in your life and notice what made those situations important. When you acted a certain way, what value were you honoring? Maybe one of your most favorite memories was a Sunday dinner at Grandma’s, where all your cousins, aunts and uncles were there and you felt a strong sense of peace and harmony. If so, you probably value “family connection,” which has a unique meaning to you alone, yet it is an important part of who you are. 

      Analyzing specific circumstances that have brought you feelings of joy and fulfillment is one way to begin to identify what you value and how to go about honoring those values.  Similarly, in situations where you were very angry or upset, ask yourself what values  you were disregarding. 

UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU VALUE MOST—AND LEAST

      Conflicts arise when we do things that aren’t in alignment with our true values, or when we have two or more values conflicting with one another.  For example, “building up your savings account” may be a high value for you, but so is “taking a nice vacation.”  Consequently, you end up feeling guilty about signing up for that cruise to the Bahamas, even though you would resent missing it if you decided you should save money by spending your vacation at home with your family, instead.

      Recognizing which values are in conflict is the first step to setting priorities.  Once you’ve done that, you can begin to consciously choose the higher priority in each particular circumstance you find yourself in.  Understanding that you are making a conscious choice and that this choice is aligned with your highest value can help you validate your choice and accept what you are saying “no” to.  Prioritizing your values will help you eliminate the common cycle of guilt and resentment we all tend to fall into, which can rob you of energy and commitment to whatever choice you make. 

      For instance, in the above example, you might consciously choose to spring for the cruise because you determine that right now a nice vacation is the higher priority for you.  What steps can you take to keep from feeling guilty about your choice?  You probably need to make some kind of commitment that will honor the second value as well.  You could decide to open a savings account that is separate from your vacation fund.  Conversely, if you decide that saving money is more important to you right now, then you need to find an alternate way to honor the value you place on travel, so that you don’t resent your choices.  Put an extra five dollars in your  vacation fund each month, or decide to take weekend day trips that you can afford.

      That sort of compromise works fine for the big choices in our lives, but how do we honor our values in the countless small choices we make every day?  You’ll find that this gets easier to do once you begin to get more clarity around what your core values are.  Once you know what you value most, then you will find it second nature to set priorities in the moment. When you’re tempted to spend money on the latest gadget advertised on QVC, you will be able to immediately see where that purchase fits on your priority list.  If you recognize the value you place on saving for a vacation, putting aside money for your kids’ college education or for your own retirement, saying no to that purchase will not feel like a sacrifice but instead be a validation of what is truly important to you.  Instead of resentment, you will feel satisfaction and fulfillment.

FOLLOW YOUR HEART

      Making conscious choices based on your clear beliefs and values is the best way to begin living a more fulfilling life.  If this is the case, then why don’t we make conscious choices all the time?  Because doing so is an extreme act in our culture.  We have learned to follow our heads instead of our hearts.  We have been taught that we should make choices based on what others—parents, children, friends, society, etc.—want from us. We make choices based on what will cause the least amount of upset or trouble.  We have been taught to live inside the limits of what we think we can have or already know.  We “settle for” less and let our dreams slip away.  Trying to hold onto our visions and dreams without support from those around us can be pretty overwhelming.  The status quo is a powerful force, and what we want—what is important to us—can become harder and harder to remember until it eventually fades away.

       By rediscovering our values, we reconnect with our authentic self and can begin to create or redesign our lives around what we truly want.   Of course, this also means that we must take full responsibility for our choices and our lives—definitely a road less traveled. It means giving up such things as excuses, blaming other people or circumstances, feeling like we have no control over our lives, playing the martyr, saying “I have to” all the time. 

       Do you see now why living according to your values is such an extreme act? Making conscious choices can make a lot of people around you very uncomfortable, because you are no longer necessarily placing them first. In other words, this process of fulfillment does not come without a price.  But isn’t the price worth it?  Isn’t it worth it to live each day fully alive, in integrity and authenticity, joy and gratitude?  Think how much more energy and enthusiasm you will have to contribute to others and to the world from that place of fulfillment!

       Once you understand that at every given moment of every day you are making choices, ask yourself: will they be conscious choices or unconscious choices?  Will they lead me closer to or farther away from what I truly want out of life? Keep asking yourself these questions and, with practice, you will find that, deep down, you know the right answers—the right choices—for you.

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Wendy Mackowski, M.A., CPCC, is a Certified Professional Co-Active Coach and the owner of Inner North Coaching.  She works with individuals, entrepreneurs, and professionals from coast to coast helping them create a more authentic and fulfilling life at home and at work. Visit Inner North Coaching online at: www.innernorth.com.

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