Is Friendship a Luxury—or a Necessity?

Why You Shouldn’t Even Try to Get by

Without ‘a Little Help from Your Friends’!

By Elizabeth Kaminsky

 am a rich woman. Not in dollars, possessions, wisdom, or property. I am rich with friends. I have been blessed with the good fortune of encountering extraordinary people and the tenacity to keep those relationships alive. I collect friends like other people collect belongings.

            I started my collection at a young age. It was a necessary skill for an only child. While others had sisters or brothers as built-in playmates, I had to develop my ability to make friends. My first and most enduring friendship has been with Macy (above, right, with me on vacation last December). We met in the first grade, and our friendship has flourished over the years. We have as much in common as we do in contrast. We are there for each other through plenty and want. Our strength has been our combined ability to keep the friendship alive.

Through my many relationships, I have discovered that friendship is something that I’m good at. It has become one of my most cherished skills. In my opinion, it is a skill that most women—and some very special men—have mastered. I have often wondered, however, if this “friendship” skill, which I value so highly, holds the same value to others. I had to know. So, I asked my friends. As I expected, their responses were gems.

Friendly Persuasion

Ann, my “tell-it-like-it-is” friend, says, emphatically: “You can’t place a value on friendship! It would cheapen it!”  Beth, my boundless-energy friend, feels that “friendship gives you hope—it’s hard to measure, because it comes from the heart.”  My friend Judes offers that “friendship means unconditional love.” Two of my long-time friends, Chandra and Barb, said the same thing: “A friend is someone who shares with you and who always listens, through the laughter and the tears.” My spiritual friend, Nikki, offered  that “true friendship is a gift from God, a blessed relationship.” What an endorsement!

Speaking of relationships, my friend Sarah, feels that “friendships, like any good relationships, take work.” She adds that “some of us work hard and maintain as many as we can, and some are too lazy to keep up and so we risk losing that treasure.” On the subject of hard work, my friend Lois very eloquently puts friendship into financial terms. She remarks, “In economic terms, a friendship is a scarce commodity, and that's what makes it precious.  To have it, you have to make a significant investment—time, effort, care, interest and a turn-the-other-cheek attitude.  Very few of us are willing, or even able, to make that kind of investment on anything but a small scale.  That's why real friendships are rare.” She is quick to tell me that she admires me for always investing in my friendships. My friend Bill likens his friends to “the Board of Directors of his life,” giving him wise counsel or a good smack in the head when he needs it most. 

            These analogies made me wonder: Are financial terms an appropriate way to describe friendship? I think so. First, we’re talking about the value of friendship. Value implies worth, and to me, my friends are worth more than I could ever quantify. In fact, I’d love to look back at the end of my life and say that I’ve lost count of the number of friends I’ve amassed. My friend Wolf weighs in about counting in a different way. He feels “true friendship is when you don’t count the favors you do for one another. You do them simply because you enjoy helping your friend.” My 13-year-old "niece" (a good friend’s child) puts in her two cents. She thinks that  “friends are worth even more than gold.” Paraphrasing a popular credit-card commercial, my friend Stephanie offers: “Happy hour with your friends—20 dollars . . . a lifetime with them—priceless.” Speaking of priceless, that’s how my friend Peg describes her relationship with me. She says, “I couldn’t imagine enjoying my life without you in it. That’s why I have a hard time trying to place a value on our friendship. It’s too precious.”

 Do you need more proof that friendships are a necessity rather than a luxury? Fortunately, some researchers at UCLA have come up with just that. These scientists have uncovered some startling findings suggesting that women’s biological response to stress actually encourages gathering with other women. Their research confirms what my gut has always told me: friends are essential to a happy, fulfilling life.

I didn’t need science to tell me that. I know that true friends are like riches. They are the currency by which I measure my life’s worth. My friends have caused me to take stock in my life, and I invest heavily in friends for the stellar returns that I receive.  Over the years, I’ve found that I have friends for many different reasons—for advice, for companionship, for fun, for understanding, for arguing, for balance and for feedback. I figure that I’m on this planet to become the best woman I can. For me, achieving that is a collaborative effort.

          When I’m tallying up my many blessings, I will surely be reviewing my precious friend collection. I’ll always need Ann’s frankness to keep me grounded, Beth’s energy to spur me on and Nikki’s spirit to help me keep the faith. I’ll treasure Sarah’s loyalty, Lois’s insight, Wolf’s creativity, Judes’ optimism, Bill’s thoughtfulness and Peggy’s unconditional love. I can bank on Barb to help me dream, Chandra to give me comfort, Stephanie to make me see all sides, and my “favorite niece” to give me hope that the next generation of women will know the value of friendship and reap its benefits. 

           There are a million quotes, songs and poems regarding the value of friendship. Emily Dickinson said, “My friends are my estate.” Euripides mused that “one loyal friend is worth 10 thousand relatives.” I’ll second that. But for now, I’ll give the last word on friendship to Macy. She reminds me, as old friends do, of the good stuff from our childhood. In doing so, she recalls a song that we used to sing when we were “Brownies.” The lyrics of this song speak volumes on the value of friendship: “Make new friends, but keep the old. One is silver and the other is gold.” Thanks, Macy. The feeling is mutual.

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Elizabeth Kaminsky is the owner of Outburst Creations, a communications consulting company and artists’ cooperative. She has extensive experience in human resources, investor relations and adult education. Currently, she teaches continuing-education courses in personal finance and family issues for a New Jersey university.

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