Mars and Venus on the Job

 7 Tips for Bridging the Gender Gap in

Your Professional Life

By Reginald R. Owens, Ph.D.

 can't remember how many times I have heard women ask, in total frustration, “How can I get these guys to take me seriously?"  On any given day, the offending male could be the banker you’ve just approached for a business loan, your boss, a peer, a subordinate, or the washing-machine repair guy. And women aren't the only people asking that question.  Even in these “enlightened” times, African Americans and other minorities, people out of the closet, people without a college degree or those who went to “the wrong school”—the list goes on—still, unfortunately, often feel that they are being patronized or treated with disrespect.

      There’s little you can do to change the mind of a confirmed chauvinist; though you can put a stop to inappropriate behavior by speaking to your HR department or filing a sex discrimination suit, if things really get out of hand. But often the problem lies more in basic differences in communication style.

      Here are a few tips to ensure that you will be treated with the R-E-S-P-E-C-T you deserve by the men you encounter at work or in your business dealings.

Rule No. 1, of course, is: Respect yourself by being yourself.  Don't try to be  something you're not in order to fit in on the job.  Not only does this not work, it can make you the target of ridicule. Basically, what you are saying when you pretend to be something you’re not is: “I don't like who and what I am.  You are so much better, and I'll do anything to be like you.”  That didn’t work for those trying to fit in with the “in crowd” in high school, either.

2. Let people know what your needs and expectations are. You'd be surprise how quickly people will take you seriously when they know that they are dealing with a woman who is not afraid of pursuing her own desires and needs. When and where appropriate, clearly state what you need to “do my job, be on this team, perform at my best, etc.”  Ask others to help you fulfill those needs. Be direct, not mean; being confrontational only reveals insecurity or fear.

3.  Ask them what their needs and expectations are. You’ll never work successfully for or with someone whose needs and expectations you don’t fully understand. Confusion or miscommunication in this area can only lead to conflict; it is a formula for creating resentment and disrespect. If your own and your coworkers’ or superior’s  expectations and needs differ, it’s better to find out early in the game and make accommodations, if you can.

4.  Support your own. I can't tell you how many times I've watched women and minorities not buy from other women and minorities. What message does that send others? If women and minorities can't get other women and minorities to support them, this only gives credence to the folks who stand on the sidelines, saying, “I told you they couldn't do it; why, even their own kind know it." Remember: "God bless the child that’s got his own."

5.  Guys are not women.  Most guys are looking for practical answers—actionable solutions—not empathy. Be a problem solver, not a listener. Don’t just give them  “Tell me where it hurts, Joe" input.

6. You don't have to be mean to be tough. Every once in a while, I will hear a woman lament that  “if I were a guy and acted like this, I would get respect, not resistance." WRONG! Anyone who thinks that bad behavior—coming from a man or a woman—will be respected is fooling themselves. It may be tolerated for a while, but, ultimately, smart, ambitious people will not accept it.  They will find someplace else to be.  And the dumb, ambitious people who stick around will begin the  “We’re going to get them game…" The old passive/aggressive process will kick in. Either way, it’s not a win-win situation. True leadership comes from within. Be yourself, know where you’re going, and others will follow.

7.  Don't cast your pearls before swine. If you can accept the premise that you do your best work in a place or relationship where your vision, ideas, efforts and advice are valued, then that is where you must be.   Don't waste your time, energy and precious talents on those who will never value them. Those people—generally poor managers—are struggling with their own self-esteem issues, and in order to compensate, they try to belittle others who work for or with them.   You don’t have to play along. Just move on.

           So, in summary, if a man asks that age-old question, “Why can’t a woman be more like a man?” just tell him, “Vive la difference!” And, remember, there are certain rules that apply for everyone. If you want to be taken seriously by the men—and the women—you work with, be yourself, don't be afraid of your needs, let others know what they are, and ask about theirs. Don't associate with people who can't—or won't—R-E-S-P-E-C-T you. It will only cost you success and money in the long run and severely limit your abilities to do the things that only you can do for the world.   

Men may be from Mars and women from Venus, as pop psychologist John Gray likes to say, but that doesn’t mean they can’t work effectively in the same space.

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Reginald R. Owens, Ph.D., has years of experience dealing with human resources and management issues at multibillion-dollar corporations. He is the Chairman and COO of Reggai Productions and the publisher of MAKING BREAD Magazine.

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